I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs