someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Has there ever been a more American story?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
he looks great for his age
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.