Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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*skinny dips into black hole
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*