Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL