after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.