How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
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Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg