Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
i spent way too long on this
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.