I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda