Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political