cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Stop sending me this shit.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?