you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Thank you corporation very cool
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
#winning
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I see your IQ test came back negative