*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Nice try, NASA
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.