Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
These aliens are taking forever.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good