I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
the saddest jazz hands ever
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”