Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
secret recipe
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.