Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.