I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
You Might Also Like
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
#NeverForget
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.