YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
crochet youtube is brutal
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Sponch
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”