[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Does beer think about me too?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?