[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: