MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Fidel Castro was alive?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.