do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time