Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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japanese corn
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Never forget.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti