Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Saw online –
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.