Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Shorty got
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🔘 all of the above
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.