Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
This classic never gets old . . .
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.