The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.