“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Flowers bee like
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.