me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.