I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.