[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Stop sending me this shit.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
pelicons
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.