If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.