If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
You Might Also Like
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
New mindset, who dis?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am