if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any