I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
(yawn)
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Worst bar ever.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10