[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*skinny dips into black hole
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
🤝