Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.