Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me