[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.