I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
marvel comics have peaked
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers