Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.