When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
#Caturday
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Please do it!
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty