[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.