Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.