<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…