Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
what’s more important?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
‘I know a black person’
– White people
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
consequences, the bane of my existence
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?