DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”