I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??