[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
How to woo a woman
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself