No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Just me?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
🤣🤣
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.